Sometimes Walls Can Be a Good Thing

A friend posts today:

"I just found out that a man I admired, a man I've HUGGED and had great conversations with, whose music has featured heavily in my life's soundtrack, has been charged with (and admitted to) possessing child pornography. As a survivour of child sexual abuse who was used in and exposed to child pornography, I stand today for the children whose lives are forever changed by those who exploit them. FU, XXXX!"

and I had responded to her: "Keep your head up. It is disappointing on many levels when performers lead so different lives than the persona that they project towards the public. They are cowards and no one should feel that they should need to continue to support them. I know that I have crossed off many in the past years, and will continue to do so. Pray that they get their just desserts in life. Put your wall up against them and know that you are a beautiful, beautiful woman with much to offer others connected with your life. (((Hugs)))"

There are times that we must put up our walls against people who fail us, let us down, and don't serve for us to be able to move forward in our lives, it is perfectly fine to to put up those walls. We need to be able to keep moving forward in our healing journeys in our lives. When that is your own family member, it is harder to do that - yet, when we have been so traumatized in our lives by whoever abused us, we must be able to give ourselves permission to set aside all the negatives in our lives in order to provide ourselves the best possible environment to heal. A soldier cannot heal while being in the middle of war surrounded with conflict; even they need their space where they can heal properly; why would then would we expect to be able to be healed in mind, body, and soul surrounded by others who are not conducive to being healed.

I have, personally, had to distance myself from negative folks, folks that pose conflict and drama in my daily life, as well as choose not to support performers (and other people/personalities) who choose to be abusive themselves to others (no matter who is at the crux of their abuse). The way I see it, life is much too short and their is nothing condusive and/or healing about being subjected continually to these people. Why should we reward their abusive behaviors by supporting the performances that they do.

True, if that is their means of being able to turn their lives around, they may deserve a second chance -- after all, we have long, long lives to lead; however, that doesn't mean that I, as a survivor of domestic violence and sexual assault, need to accept them into my life. Likewise, if you are and/or have been a victim of abuse, it is perfectly fine for you to put up those walls. Own your healing process and exclude those out of your life who are going to hinder and/or put up barriers to your own healing process. Allow yourself time to heal and be healed, however long that may take. We don't owe them any of our energies that could be better spent on our healing process. Keep looking forward, surround yourselve with healing and positive people, rebuild your emotions and well being, and take of yourself.

Today, I give you that permission to do so!!!

To all abusers:

Please don't expect survivors to appreciate your music/craft, etc. just because everyone else does who aren't re-living and being re-victimized all again knowing that you have been abusive in the past. Bye-gones are not bye-gones. It's not as simple as that. Recognize and know that when you abuse, you affect many who have been affected by the same and/or similar form(s) of abuse that you did to another person. While you may deserve a second chance in life, please prove it by never continuing to be abusive ever, ever again. It will take a long time before anyone can trust you again. If you are truly deserving of a second chance, you will have to rebuild and earn that trust back, and for some that just might be never, depending on how extensive the abused were abused. That's just the way it is going to be.

To all musicians:

Victims/survivors/thrivers need more positive songs/lyrics in their lives. Don't be singing about how you abused your girlfriend, wife, mother, etc. Don't be singing about how you sexually assaulted someone and loved it. Try singing about, meeting the love of your life and respect them and treating them that they are the most beautiful person on earth. Try to begin rethink your life and how what you say will and/or may affect others, possibly re-victimize them, even if they think that they might have been far along that healing journey. To change your life, you must actually lead a more violence free life yourself - and lead by example!

Hard Facts of the Malaysia Plane?

The victims of the missing Malaysia plane have been informed today --

"Malaysia Airlines deeply regrets that we have to assume beyond any reasonable doubt that MH370 has been lost and that none of those on board survived. As you will hear in the next hour from Malaysia's Prime Minister, we must now accept all evidence suggests the plane went down in the Southern Indian Ocean," the message read.

Sad to hear that it was sent via text message. They really deserved to be told in person; after all, I think most of them were staying in a hotel together.

This has to be hard for anyone that held on to that glimmer of hope that their loved ones had survived. At this time, it doesn't allow for real closure because they don't have the bodies recovered yet, not even the plane really. While they believe that the objects that they see in the Southern Indian Ocean appear to be that of the plane (but 20,000 feet in the ocean). Without physical evidence at hand, it will still be hard for the loved ones to not still have that ray of hope that the airlines are wrong and that their loved one is still alive.

Without a body, a funeral (which helps to bring the closure) won't be possible. Hopefully, they will hold Memorial services for them so that they can maintain some level of closure. Although nothing will replace the full closure, a sense of closure is necessary for more folks as a measure of the end of the trauma and the beginning of being able to move forward.

Some may be able to write letters to their loved ones and hold on to the letter, or choose to burn that letter, in a symbolic gesture of letting go. However they choose to bring closure for themselves, I hope and pray that they find a good means of doing so, so that they too can move forward in their lives. While I lost my own husband to a heart attack over a decade ago, I know that it took me a while to come to complete terms of that. Death is never easy to cope with, even though we all know that eventually we will all die, and although we try to prepare ourselves to that day that the loved one will someday will be gone. We treasure each and every day that we live, and our loved ones live for another day.

It is my hope and prayer that they do find the plane pieces (with no shadows of doubts what their find is), even if they don't find the bodies themselves; it'll at least give them something concrete to have closure with.

How have you dealt with some hard facts that have occurred in your life? How were you able to bring closure to that traumatic event? How were you able to finally take those steps to move forward.

JEREMIAH 31:13

"Then the maidens will dance and be glad,
young men and old as well.
I will turn their mourning into gladness;
I will give them comfort and joy
instead of sorrow."

REF:

http://abcnews.go.com/International/missing-malaysia-airlines-plane-ended-south-indian-ocean/story?id=23033246

The Mirror

Watched the show called GLEE tonight. The phrase out the Michael Jackson (original) song "MAN IN THE MIRROR" that really struck me was:

I'm starting with the man in the mirror
I'm asking him to change his ways
And no message could have been any clearer
If you wanna make the world a better place
Take a look at yourself, and then make that change

What does that phrase mean to you? Do ask the image in the mirror for a change? Are you putting forth the efforts to make the change? What steps are you taking to make the change -- whether it is to make a better place or just yourself?

Sexual Assault Awareness Month - Beyond Words Live!

April is known as sexual assault awareness month (and child abuse awareness month, and a number of other awareness months), and, as such I am having a series of shows that happens to address those issues,and/or are survivors in their own rights.

Make sure that you tune in on any of the following shows to hear more....


APRIL 1st (Tuesday) -- 10a CST

Meet Kathy: Childhood Secrets Need to Be Told


APRIL 3rd (Thursday) -- 10a CST


Nerissa Sparkman -- Imperfect Beauty Project


APRIL 8th (Tuesday) -- 10a CST


David Pittman's Story Leading to Together We Heal


APRIL 9th (Wednesday) -- 10a CST

Open Mic: Stand For Freedom - Global Event



APRIL 10th (Thursday) -- 10a CST

Tigress Tells All Re: Ups & Downs Being a Survivor



APRIL 15th (Tuesday) -- 10a CST

Misty Caron -- Documentary About Intimate Violence


APRIL 17th (Thursday) -- 10a CST

Phoenix Speaks Re: BACA (Bikers Against Child Abuse)




At this time, I have April 17, 22, 24, and 29th available,if you are a survivor and would like to share your story! Just email me at Beyond Words Life Coach and let me know.




PS The links are also available after the show as they are archived immediately after the show.

Hope

Whether or not you believe in God, you may likely depend in a higher power of some sort -- a higher power that has more control than you personally may have. It's not something that we can lay blame to, but it is more like someone that may be watching over us and guiding our paths, even if it is a path that we don't understand or feel like we are quaking with shame, guilt, among an array of emotions.

No matter the circumstances that lay before us, the Bible Scriptures offer a reminder in that there is hope ahead, even if we can't see it clearly now. We may not know what we may be destined to do, it is our faith in our future, that keeps us with eyes peeled looking through the seemingly fogs that we may be having at the time to the light ahead. With each step we take, we meet new people in our lives that will have different modes of impact upon our lives.

It what we do with the impacts in our lives that will guide us to our destiny. God's (or your Higher Power's) role isn't to lay each step in front of us with written instructions. It is intended that life be a series of lessons for us to pursue and glean from to know the next step that we might be taking. We might take a few misteps in our lives (or life may have detered us with some stumbling blocks), but it doesn't mean that our life is forever destined that way; it merely means that our lives will be impacted by the circumstances, but we can learn from it and know that we can get back on the path, with an increased understanding of humanity, with all its faults and hazzards, which can parlay into a mold for our future roles (even if you cannot see that at that time).

It is my hope and prayer that you will be able to see this soon, being able to take what life circumstances that were your past and reframe that into a positive direction that you can positively impact others.

After all, with our hope that we receive, our hope given to others can be ten-fold beyond.

"Do not forget to entertain strangers, for my doing so, some people have entertained angels without knowing it."

~ Hebrews 13:2

What are the circumstances that are holding you back? What level of hope are you seeing at this time? What are some of the "life lessons" you are struggling with at this time? How has that impacted who you are? How can you turn that into something that can positively impact others in the future?

What is "normal"?

It sometimes irks me to hear things like this, when folks say that they tried to be normal.

Normal is relative. It is relative to the situation and circumstances that one might be in (like a traumatic event changing one's life with a whole new array of emotions). Sometimes, folks have no idea what is considered to be normal because they were raised in that particular environment -- like childhood abuse or a child with parents in a domestic violence relationship. Until they get to know other children and see how their lives are, they don't know any different and/or have any comparison whatsoever.

As we get older, through education/family/friends/Church/etc. for instance, we learn what is considered to be societal norms. One could live in a commune that has a criminalistic behavior within it and that would then become the learned "societal norm", but not fit within the greater society norms/mores/beliefs are truly are. Until they explore outside the commune (if they are allowed access to outside the commune), they will never know any different.

For those that experienced the 911 trauma, or even in todays terms the families that are presently affected by the unknowing whether or not their loved ones are alive or dead, the immediate moment of the crisis because their new norm. Whatever they once knew to be the norm was drastically changed/altered/askewed that very moment/day. To this day, many 911 survivors (including their families/friends) will be forever impacted and the norm that they experienced in the past will never be the same. While they may have moved on, there may be certain triggers that they will experience that will briefly take them back to that moment in time (along with varying degrees of that emotion). The difference in them is now how they handle those moments which will determine how well healed they are in the process and how much further long that they can continue their lives set in full steam motion to carrying on their life as near as possible as they could, had that experience not altered their lives.

A lot of what has helped them to heal is receiving some counseling - victim counseling, coping counseling, etc. When something happens in our lives that shakes up the norm, whether or not they realize it at the time (and/or realize that others norms may not fit into our picture of our present norm for ourselves), it is okay to accept where you are at the time and work through some healing practices to get where you can "forgive" what occurred (although you might never forget), and work on some goals that one has.

It's really important to realize that what may have happened in your life (1) doesn't necessarily define who you will be for the rest of your life, (2) there are some coping skills that you can learn to "let go" of your past to move forward, and (3) it is okay to take your time to grieve and process all that has occured (the timeframe is not set in stone and you are allowed to take what time you think you need). Preferably, if you feel that your norm may not be the norm that should, you should seek help through counselors, depending on how deeply rooted you think that might be.

Acceptance of who you are for who you are is important to the step of healing. Speaking up to some friends/family/counselors can help you to realize what path(s) may be available for you to heal and may lead to some help that you haven't thought of before. Whoever you seek help from should be non-judgemental and accept you for who you are and the place of time you are at; if someone doesn't fall into this, you might need to seek another resource to get help from.

The addage that "time heals all wounds" is true, but only if one seeks the help to guide one to that healing journey. It begins with you, as well as the step of not being too quick to pigeon yourself into what you should be without examining the assests and talents that you do have. Take one step at a time. Allow time for wounds to heal. You didn't get into the "norm" you are presently living in (for the most part, excepting in trauma situations like 911, etc) and you won't likely be able to shake it off in a day, a week, a month, and/or maybe a year (especially without the guidance of a counselor of some sort). Give yourself time to explore what your new norm may look like, and don't be too quick to presume that you can try a new norm for a brief moment in time and not expect to have some uncomfortableness to it.

What is normal to you? What are your preceived notions of what normal should be? How does your normal fit into an aspect of the new normal, as you continually strive for that healing journey?

Speaking of Warm Fuzzies

When I was in summer camps as a child, we would sit around the campfire and tell stories. One of the stories that was forever engrained on my mind was this story (some folks may have it told in slightly different words):

Once upon a time there was a village. All of the people in the village got along very well. There was kindness, love, compassion, and justice. Every person in the village owned a special bag. It was given to them by their parents at the age of 3. Inside this bag were hundreds of warm fuzzies. Warm fuzzies were soft, cuddly, cottony little puffs. When you gave someone a warm fuzzy, they felt warm and fuzzy inside. People in the village gave each other warm fuzzies anytime they wanted to let someone know they were loved. When someone received a warm fuzzy, they put it in their bag.

One day, an evil sorceress came to town. She saw that everyone was giving out these warm fuzzies from their bags and she didn’t like it. She went up to one villager and said, “Why do you keep giving away your warm fuzzies? Aren’t you afraid you’re going to run out? Here, take this bag of cold pricklies and give these to the people in your village instead, and keep all your warm fuzzies for yourself.” The villager took the bag because he believed the sorceress’ tale. The next time he ran into a friend, he handed him one of the cold pricklies from his new bag. A cold prickly made someone feel cold and prickly inside, like they were swallowing a pin cushion. Soon all the villagers went to the sorceress and asked for their own bag of cold pricklies since they didn’t want to be the only people handing out warm fuzzies if everyone else was going to hand out cold pricklies. Once you had a cold prickly, you wanted to give it away to someone else as fast as possible.

The sorceress was pleased. Her plan was working perfectly. Now the village was in a state of fear and panic. Everyone started avoiding everyone else so they wouldn’t be given a cold prickly. People hoarded their small supply of warm fuzzies and didn’t give them out to anyone anymore. But no one was happy anymore either.

One day a prince arrived in town and almost immediately someone handed him a cold prickly from their bag. The prince, recognizing the cold prickly, refused to take it. The villager was surprised and tried again. The prince handed the person a warm fuzzy from his bag. The villager was surprised, and a little ashamed that he had tried to give this warm prince a cold prickly and instead received a warm fuzzy.

The prince addressed the crowd and said, “Why do you give each other cold pricklies?” One villager said, “Why should we give away all of our warm fuzzies? Shouldn’t we keep them for ourselves?” Other villagers agreed. But the prince said, “Every time you give away a warm fuzzy a new one is created in your own bag. Don’t you see? The more you give away, the more you will have.”

To demonstrate, the prince had everyone put down their bag of cold pricklies and retrieve their bag of warm fuzzies from their homes. He asked everyone to take out a warm fuzzy from their bag and hand it to a neighbor. This they did, but warily. Then the prince told them to notice that they all still had the same amount of warm fuzzies in their bags as before. People started giving away more warm fuzzies and noticed their bag was never empty. There were indeed enough warm fuzzies for everyone.

The sorceress was very upset and tried to interrupt the prince and get everyone to give out cold pricklies again. But the villagers didn’t want to listen anymore. They threw all their bags of cold pricklies into a wagon, set the sorceress inside it, and sent her out of town.

The villagers realized they’d learned a valuable lesson.

When you give someone a warm fuzzy, they in turn will give it to someone else. Eventually, it will come back around to you.

Next time you hear about the "warm fuzzies", you will now know the origination of the phrase.

I know that I tend to carry a lot of warm fuzzy types of things in my purse. It may not be made of pompoms on index cards, but it is usually a type of stone or something to pass to someone. Suprisingly (or maybe not so suprisingly), I always have just enough to pass to someone else that I feel need it that day.

How do you give your warm fuzzies? What is a story of the favorite time that you received a warm fuzzy, or gave one away?