"I just found out that a man I admired, a man I've HUGGED and had great conversations with, whose music has featured heavily in my life's soundtrack, has been charged with (and admitted to) possessing child pornography. As a survivour of child sexual abuse who was used in and exposed to child pornography, I stand today for the children whose lives are forever changed by those who exploit them. FU, XXXX!"
and I had responded to her: "Keep your head up. It is disappointing on many levels when performers lead so different lives than the persona that they project towards the public. They are cowards and no one should feel that they should need to continue to support them. I know that I have crossed off many in the past years, and will continue to do so. Pray that they get their just desserts in life. Put your wall up against them and know that you are a beautiful, beautiful woman with much to offer others connected with your life. (((Hugs)))"
There are times that we must put up our walls against people who fail us, let us down, and don't serve for us to be able to move forward in our lives, it is perfectly fine to to put up those walls. We need to be able to keep moving forward in our healing journeys in our lives. When that is your own family member, it is harder to do that - yet, when we have been so traumatized in our lives by whoever abused us, we must be able to give ourselves permission to set aside all the negatives in our lives in order to provide ourselves the best possible environment to heal. A soldier cannot heal while being in the middle of war surrounded with conflict; even they need their space where they can heal properly; why would then would we expect to be able to be healed in mind, body, and soul surrounded by others who are not conducive to being healed.
I have, personally, had to distance myself from negative folks, folks that pose conflict and drama in my daily life, as well as choose not to support performers (and other people/personalities) who choose to be abusive themselves to others (no matter who is at the crux of their abuse). The way I see it, life is much too short and their is nothing condusive and/or healing about being subjected continually to these people. Why should we reward their abusive behaviors by supporting the performances that they do.
True, if that is their means of being able to turn their lives around, they may deserve a second chance -- after all, we have long, long lives to lead; however, that doesn't mean that I, as a survivor of domestic violence and sexual assault, need to accept them into my life. Likewise, if you are and/or have been a victim of abuse, it is perfectly fine for you to put up those walls. Own your healing process and exclude those out of your life who are going to hinder and/or put up barriers to your own healing process. Allow yourself time to heal and be healed, however long that may take. We don't owe them any of our energies that could be better spent on our healing process. Keep looking forward, surround yourselve with healing and positive people, rebuild your emotions and well being, and take of yourself.
Today, I give you that permission to do so!!!
To all abusers:
Please don't expect survivors to appreciate your music/craft, etc. just because everyone else does who aren't re-living and being re-victimized all again knowing that you have been abusive in the past. Bye-gones are not bye-gones. It's not as simple as that. Recognize and know that when you abuse, you affect many who have been affected by the same and/or similar form(s) of abuse that you did to another person. While you may deserve a second chance in life, please prove it by never continuing to be abusive ever, ever again. It will take a long time before anyone can trust you again. If you are truly deserving of a second chance, you will have to rebuild and earn that trust back, and for some that just might be never, depending on how extensive the abused were abused. That's just the way it is going to be.
To all musicians:
Victims/survivors/thrivers need more positive songs/lyrics in their lives. Don't be singing about how you abused your girlfriend, wife, mother, etc. Don't be singing about how you sexually assaulted someone and loved it. Try singing about, meeting the love of your life and respect them and treating them that they are the most beautiful person on earth. Try to begin rethink your life and how what you say will and/or may affect others, possibly re-victimize them, even if they think that they might have been far along that healing journey. To change your life, you must actually lead a more violence free life yourself - and lead by example!
